Love is not a feeling, but it must include feeling. A love that has no affection or warmth or feeling is no love at all. Try to imagine such a love–cold, unfeeling, a love that does not like its object. That “love” is not worthy of the name. No matter how much that “love” seeks the best for its object it is not love without some level of affection. I think the reason these times show so many divorces is simply because we don’t follow some basic rules that previous generations did:
1) Believe that loving someone means making the choice everyday to treat them with love and respect.
2) Committing to being committed and choosing to work on your own attitudes and habits.
3) Giving someone what they need the most when they deserve it the least.
4) Doing your best to be selfless and serve one another.
5) Patience, kindness, keeping no record of wrongs, etc. even, and most of all, when we don’t feel like it.
Many of us may have felt in the beginnings of a relationship that we were the fated soulmate of our beloved. The euphoria of the beginning of a relationship – all hope, hormones, and openness to possibilities – especially if, as a couple, there seems to be much in common – can make one feel a participant in fate. Only later are we disappointed when our “soulmate” turned out not to live up to that honor. It would have to be a cruel god that would bring us together in bliss only to later tear us asunder – and for what purpose? Is the tearing apart also fate? Certainly, we all learn lessons and maybe improve ourselves in the process of loss, but this can happen better without the concept of fate. If we are not careful, a belief in fate can allow us to rationalize that maybe the relationship was just not meant to be, as proven by its failure; making self examination of our part in the process less important. Fate also absolves the leavers of their responsibility or participation in the process of failure. It gives leavers justification; “If we were meant to be, it should not require so much work to make it good”. “Maybe, you are not my soulmate – this other person must be because otherwise why would I be drawn to them – maybe I am just following fate by taking it where it leads me – even if it’s away from you”. The question of why one partner is drawn away from a relationship is important to answer – honestly – for both the leaver and the one left behind. Fate leaves lovers to be acted upon, but not participants in their own lives. And, honestly, who wants to be with someone only because, there was no choice (what fate implies)?
Love is a choice. A choice of the mind and the heart. Often, if people think of it as a choice at all, they think of it only as a choice of the heart. Of course, the heart is essential for the “feeling” of being in love – and much of the joy. But love is also a choice of the mind. Love must be a choice of the mind, because the heart cannot, by itself, overcome all of the obstacles of everyday life – the mundane details that can weigh heavy on any relationship and that can be so destructive if you do not also intellectually choose love. The mind and the heart must both be committed to the success of love. The heart is responsible for the feeling and the mind for “intention”. And I don’t think that love can survive long without the lover choosing both in heart and mind to be in a state of love. I had a conversation with someone the other day and there was one line that really caught my attention: I love Christians; I love Cleopatra; I love my wife. Decision; fantasy; both.
Take something like your least favorite color. If you focused and chose to love it and make it your favorite color, you would. It goes along with my theory for my favorite day of the week. There are 7 days in a week. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are obviously not the greatest days. Friday, Saturday and Sunday are obviously good days. That leaves Thursday. I can either group it with the first, dreary part of the week, or I can choose to make it my favorite day of the week so that the good outbalances the bad! This alone is not enough to love Thursday. But if the feeling, the practice and the logic are there…you can make it happen.
Love is a choice. Make the choice everyday to love your partner.
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